Unexpected Wisdom From Studying My Generational DNA

I started smoking weed when I was 13ish years old, 7th or 8th grade. Originally what happened was, I wanted a T-Shirt from the Puff Daddy & The Family Tour, my parents wouldn't let me go to the concert. But they gave me 20 bucks to have "a friend" get me a T-Shirt, and of course none of my nerd friends were going... But some of the "G''s" were, you know, like "this is for the G's and this for the Hustlas?" So I gave them the money, and maybe the day after the show or the next Monday or whatever it was, I went up to them and asked if they got me the shirt. They said no and instead offered me what was probably a dime bag of dirty brown weed, might as well call it hierba or grass in Espanol. 

I'd never smoked weed before, I played video games, the Star Wars Card Game, and maybe I was still regularly practicing Karate, can't remember now. Had a handful of friends, just as many that didn't go to school with me as ones who did, and that's like a grand total of like maybe 6 including their siblings lol. Ohhhhh that's right, I would've been in 8th grade because this was after people stopped wanting to be my friend. Why? Well.. I was sitting in Home Ec class one day, and a student who I'd known since elementary school asked me if I watched porn. If I'd been more content with my life I'd have been honest and said no. Bbbbbuuuttt then I wouldn't be writing this piece like 25 or so years later hah! Instead I lied and said yes, thinking that was what all the cool kids did. His next question was if I jerked off to it... he didn't actually say those words out loud.. he made the loose hand grip jerking off motion and asked, "do you.. you know (hand motion).." And again, even though I'd never masterbated or even really thought about it much before, I said yes, again thinking that was what all the cool kids did and, if I was watching porn, it would probably make sense to jerk off to it, right? I mean comeon, I was desperate for friends, but I at least had the common sense to put two and two together lol.. So I lied, it wasn't the first time I'd lied, I'd definitely lied before to kids at school, mostly about how affluent my parents were. Oddly enough, we were quite financially comfortable; my parents' dry cleaning operation was extremely successful back then. So why lie about that? It wasn't like I had some internal lack when it came to finances...right? Well...This piece's purpose is largely to help me understand that better, because lying is a habit that I've only begun to get rid of maybe a few years ago.. So let me see if I can unpack this. 

I suspect this is related to the same reason why I wanted to live the life of a model or actor without doing the work too.. wanting the end result of living like a boss and being financially successful without doing the work. 

My Mom is probably the most incredible person I've ever met.. probably most of us would say this about our own Mother too, and it's true. Mothers really are Gods aren't they. Selfless, nurturing, they'll do anything for us no matter what time we ask, no matter what they're going through, no matter how many years ago we supposedly "grew up" and left the household.. It's pretty nutty the lengths Mothers will go for us. And My Dad is basically the same, he sacrificed just like my Mom did, and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay them no matter how much success I enjoy. They expect that.. They want us to have a better life than them and want nothing in return except love and respect. I on the other hand am now looking for opportunities to make their lives easier, take stress off their shoulders, declutter their home, you know, whatever I am capable of, especially using the skills they don't have, to improve their quality of life. 

My Immigrant Parents got married young and struggled financially for 12-14ish years, being disrespected by family they and later we were living with. First by my Dad's family in England, and later by some of my Mom's family here in Arizona. Long story shorter, it looked to them like, if you get the money then you can decide the narrative with everyone around you. On top of that, especially in the case of my Mom's Brother we were living with here in Arizona, there was lots of disrespect and verbal abuse. Lots of alcohol abuse, not working hard and instead playing the part of the boss. But past all of that, what they also saw was, this guy (my now deceased Uncle) had tons of friends who respected him, and his wife too. It didn't matter how much they misbehaved or did regrettable acts due to alcohol, they continued to be highly respected in the East Indian Community, because of their financial success. So it makes sense. I'm not agreeing with the behavior in the slightest bit but it makes sense that, after feeling mistreated by my Father's family in England, moving here and being disrespected by my very respected Aunt and Uncle, that they wanted to be financially successful, have all the friends, and enjoy a nice standard of living at the same time, and that it would appear that you can just get the money and become the boss without actually becoming a student and really focusing on honing skills first or being super curious and continuously improving. If you read this and maybe your experience is connecting more dots than this, I would love it for you to comment. And honestly I won't be offended because I'm happy to gain additional insight that helps me become a better human, brother, so on and so forth. 

So flash forward to when my parents are doing super super well financially, I see them living the high life. They're going to tons of parties all the time, dressing up super nice, getting tons of respect, and not necessarily being mean to people, they've always been mostly nice and now they're super nice and kind but...there were certainly some attitude coming from ego of financial success and social status back then. You know how someone talks when they want you to think or know that they are rich? That description kind of reminds my memory bank of how they used to be, again not all the time, they're amazing people, but they would probably agree they could use some humbling at that time. Now, money is an amazing tool, right, an energy that can be used to do so much amazingness in the World for  ourselves and everyone around us, yeah? But the feeling that comes with it is also maybe equally as important, if not more. 

Whenever I've made money that I didn't respect, it came quickly, and it went quickly. I can think of several chapters when, I started out focused on learning and practicing whatever craft I was focusing on that time, but as soon as the money started rolling in I got complacent and focused on the money and then it all went to shit. This happened when I was in mortgages, it happened when I was in banking before that, it happened again with the catering business years later. But once I made my agreement with the Universe you may have read about in the last piece, that all changed. Because now, honing skills that I enjoy practicing, any financial blessings I receive from doing so are seen as that, blessings.

Here's a tidbit of wisdom: when we see something or someone as a blessing and not see them for what they do for us, the focus becomes about what I can do for these people, clients, etc. and how can the abundance bless me and everyone around me. So I think that's what was missing.. I think my super rich Uncle didn't respect the money, didn't respect most of the friendships, didn't respect most of the people around him, and probably thought more along the lines of what they could all do for him instead of the other way around. And that's totally understandable, why? Because these guys weren't passionate about their business, they were in it for the money. Why do I think that? Because they weren't remaining curious students, constantly trying to learn and improve on their craft. They used to hail the idea of being the boss, not having to physically be there working, and instead putting someone else there and still getting most of the profit. I'm talking about my Uncle. He really was a huge hearted guy, I did have a lot of respect and admiration for him, but a lot of that was respect for his success.. I can't say that I really knew him all that well as a person.. And I guess that's the real Unexpected Wisdom of this piece... I did not realize that that was where it all came from...WWWWWOOOOOOWWWWWWW.... 

Flash forward to my working years, I think that's why I always tried to take the easy way to making money. Even when I had my catering business, after a while it wasn't like I was consistently practicing my craft, dedicated to improving and staying curious... eventually I tried to do as less as I possibly could and still take home the bacon. This is probably also a big part in why all the issues happened with the Ex Girlfriend too... I didn't do my due diligence before we got together because, in my head I was going to find a girl to date and do most of the labor in the catering business. I didn't even realize it at the time. But she did. And when she did, that realization combined with her non desire to take over that much work, it aggravated me. I never thought about the possibility that my subconscious just wanted to be the boss like my Dad, like my Uncle, like whoever else gave us that in our DNA. I never considered that I wanted someone else to do most of the work, and I just wanted to keep profiting. Even though I absolutely love feeding people, once that passion turned into paper chasing, it was the beginning of the end, at least for that chapter. And here's another tidbit, my programming was set to a very simple capitalist process; find a skill I enjoy, a find a way to turn it into profit. And that's been one of the main mistakes I'd say I've made so far in this life, allowing the need to make a living to overshadow the importance of keeping passions for me. Everytime I've found a passion in this life, I've tried to turn it into profit, so no wonder I'm 39 years old finding my footing again.. What else should I expect would have happened, when my Generational DNA has been reacting that way for years in response to the need to generate income to pay for living expenses.. 

It makes perfect sense now why, the only times I've really succeeded, like super well, is when I've been committed to improving on my craft. And when I've lost interest in doing that and got more focused on the money, like what happened with catering. I did really well when I focused on my passion of feeding people and giving their bodies the nutrients I'd studied and learned would energize them to do whatever they needed to do that day, and that went on for several years like maybe 2-3 years consistently catering films and another 3ish years feeding a group of about 30 people everyday at their place of work. Once I connected with the owners of that business and started to get paid super well week after week, after some time my subconscious got focused on the profit and living that life I'd seen so many years back in my parents and aforementioned family members. And that wasn't fair to them, or to me, or my family, or especially to the Ex Girlfriend. It's regrettable, but you don't know what you don't know. I guess I didn't do the work to find that out...until now. 

So Flash forward to now, I've learned a few things. A job's purpose is not to enslave us, but to give us much lower risk opportunities to learn a craft, see if we enjoy it, and see if we want to take those skills and build something of our own that lets us really focus on doing the craft the way we think and feel will best help those we serve. It seems built that way so that we can wait to fly our own ship until we've learned enough to be able to just enjoy what we're doing while providing tons of value. It's not really about the money, but there is of course an exchange of value that takes place based on this, and money is that medium we've all agreed upon to make that happen. I've had the blessing to be able to learn a few new skills lately, and practice them, risk-free like that. I got linked up with HomeGrown last year and learned what it takes to pick fruit off of trees, and if it came down to it, if I needed to make a few bucks I could definitely do that. But it was about connecting deeper with Mother Nature, working alongside a new friend who shared that, and enjoying the fruit too haha. We would find people with extra fruit on their trees they weren't going to make use of, get it to the Farmers Markets on Saturday and Sunday, and make fresh juice. People LOVED it! And it felt like the next level of feeding people because the beautiful delicious homegrown Citrus was straight from the tree. The instant gratification of seeing someone enjoy the fresh juice or the fresh fruit or the preserves we were making from it.. was amazing. Providing that service did also allow for some income as well, and I  was focusing on improving the quality of the product and the service we provided, so that gives a point in the column of that being for the right reasons. 

For a few months after it got too hot for me to pick fruit, I worked with a startup independent Roku news channel. And guess what? I was doing that for some of the right reasons too; I was improving on my craft of connecting with an audience and adding to that the skill of being able to deliver not always so joyous information while being dedicated to improving the quality of the product I provided, which was taking what would typically be considered low vibration aka the news, and delivering it on a very conscious level. So I feel good about that. But on the other hand, if I had been focused on studying the craft more when I was acting and working on film productions full time for...I think that lasted a good 6 or 7 years, then I'd have known right away that the equipment they were using would never produce a high enough production quality to gain enough traction, viewers, and ads to sustain and make the huge impact we were wanting to have.. I didn't do my due diligence, AGAIN, to realize that probably wasn't going to happen. It's so obvious now looking back at it. And another tidbit, stop getting excited about opportunities before critically analyzing the opportunity, the motivation of whomever launched that vehicle, studying my own motivation for wanting to participate, and not making decisions from ego. Instead, get past the excitement, get past the romance of it all, and actually sit down and look at all of the components that could effect not only my motivation with it, but also the sustainability of it all. Because even though I may be an adventurer who loves trying new things, there is still a very real cost of living in this current World that must be kept up with, otherwise we become a burden on our loved ones.. And I can never again do that, I refuse.. 

After that, I connected with Growers Best Organics & Worm Farm. And I do have to say, I think I owe a lot to Russell for bringing me on. He could sense my deep connection with Mother Earth and wanted to give me the opportunity to practice growing food and helping people do the same with his extremely potent natural soils. Once it got too hot for me to keep working outside, or should I say, once I didn't want to keep working outside into the hotter parts of the day, I told him I'd still help with computer work that I'd already been helping with, as well as finding commercial accounts who wanted to carry the soils. But you know, something funny happened just then. Something told me to take a week or two off to focus on my writing, which I definitely did, and continue to. And I'm so grateful. But something else happened. 

Like I've done many times before, I took a break from the cannabis, decluttered the body, and slowed down. Because there's so much more clarity that comes back when I do. I got back to the gym regularly which was starting again before this break, but even more so of course during it and now. So that has brought back some confidence which leads to letting myself make mistakes and getting to know myself better. Then we had an invite to a graduation party from some really old friends, like, my Dad used to be a 3rd party service provider to this amazing man's business, back when I was in elementary and middle school. His wife became a doctor! Ohhhhh boy was that a grand celebration! What's more is that it brought our subconscious memories back to that time of abundance, somewhat that evening, and incredibly so since then. And all three of us who attended, have had more of our abundance unlock since. Ken and Rosemary, Lincoln, Elliot, Broderick, we love you guys. Forreal. Reconnecting with you has reconnected us with the versions of ourselves who are so so open in heart, generous, grateful, who knows that we have longtime friends with zero selfish interest with each other. We just want to insert love and joy into your lives, and your boys' lives, and we cannot wait to spend more time with you again. 

Before I connect another dot, what's funny is, I've also been reconnected with another person I knew back in middle school. My 6th grade math teacher, perhaps the teacher who understood how to get through to me more than any other instructor ever, maybe, but either way very close to the top of that list. Either way, there's a major reason why you and my Mother then became friends all those years ago, have kept in touch on and off, until now... I seemingly randomly one day last year was brainstorming about a possible online educating portal of some sort, I don't even remember all the details now, but I had called her to pick her brain. She was excited to hear from me and even sent me a Christmas Card! I still don't know why but I never opened it. Still.. But what happened is even better. One day I went over there because she had a coffee pot that she was giving away. I'd had the catering company for quite some time and I figured I'd grab it for future events. While over there visiting, she told me she was looking for someone to assist her in setting up an automated watering system for her plant family. Now, I had learned the basics in how to set up a DRIP system at Growers Best from Russell, so I thought, sure why not. I've taken this time off to declutter the body, zoom out on these life choices I've made, and see what this mind thinks and what this heart feels are some skills I'm interested in continuing to improve on, that people see value in $. In addition to this, in the couple of weeks I'd been off, I was finding an odd enjoyment in beautifying landscapes as well. Hhhmmm... Was there perhaps a message for me here? Let me analyze.. 

Going back to the analysis of how to decide if it's a skill I'm probably going to succeed in sharing; "learn a craft, see if we enjoy it, and see if we want to take those skills and build something of our own that lets us really focus on doing the craft the way we think and feel will best help those we serve." Now in the few times I"ve been over to my 6th Grade Teacher / Now Friend's house, I fixed multiple leaks in the existing system. It took literally like two days plus a bit to fix the first two leaks. But then as we approached a 3rd leak on the same day as wrapping up the last of the other leaks, she shared something she learned, I slowed down, studying the situation deeply and, with her help, got the additional confidence boost it took to get the 3rd one done super quickly! So now not only have I been getting paid while I hone my skills (very reasonably considering that I've still got plenty to learn and that we met in the middle $ so that I can have her help in some of my projects as well), but my intention everyday has been to see how I can best serve her and her needs/wants with the project. This is joyous for me to see in black and white because I am witnessing my heart grow more open again, and more and more abundance keeps unlocking as a result. Will I continue to hone this skill? Yes, because even my parents have an old DRIP system that needs revamping and we've already begun to build the garden. Will I continue with it after that? I don't know, I think so, because I love the feeling that comes from picking fresh fruits, vegetables, and herbs from the Garden and alchemizing them into medicine for our selves and loved ones. I'm not focusing on turning that into a business; what I've learned is to just keep learning, stay curious, and keep thinking along the lines of how I can serve those around me. 

I do think it's quite funny that all of these relationships that have been resurfacing originated around the same time, back when I was in middle school. The relationship to money, the limiting belief I used to have about what the financial success journey had to look like, where it came from, and coincidently (yeah right lol), the chapters in which we weren't resonating with these relationships. I don't think there's any such thing as a coincidence... I believe in synchronicities because I believe in resonance, string theory to an extent, and most of all, that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't started smoking weed around 13 or 14, and let me say, I literally just gave away what I still had the other day, but if I hadn't started then, would I be in a different place? I am grateful for my story though, because if not, there's a good chance I wouldn't have even been here to physically attend that event with the old friends or reconnect with my 6th Grade Teacher / Now Friend and release even more creativity through my deep connection with Mother Earth that landed me at Growers Best where I first learned how to connect DRIP systems, or with my boy Jeremy at HomeGrown where I picked fruit, because through that relationship I connected with Russell and Growers Best...I mean, I could go on and on about how every choice since then is why I am right where I am. But all I wish to conclude with is this.. 

If anyone out there has had a similar journey of not knowing what to do, have ye faith. Because right when I've gone a little too far with the cannabis use and let it take me out of the Game of Life for a while, or when I've just focused on being the boss and fell way out of alignment, or whatever... God always brings me back right where I need to be. Beyond that my process was, be led by this generational modus operandi, stopped enjoying my life, got way off track lol, and then as soon as possible, started decluttering the mind and body, let the mind express, and find a way to try new things, give myself permission to make mistakes, learn, and thankfully when I haven't been strong enough to give myself the grace, God has placed people near me who have seen that I needed it and have extended that grace to me. And that always leads me back closer to my heart, closer to home, literally and figuratively, and things get better. God is good man. And now that the writing brought all this clarity, I can move forward with additional awareness on how I was motivated and how I can change my life moving forward. So oddly enough, I guess the next step is to figure out the income piece.. I do believe that when we are aligned with our Dharma, highest purpose, the abundance flows like crazy. I've been there, I know what it feels like, and I think the bread crumbs in my story, literally and figuratively, are showing me what to do. And I hope there was something in this piece that helps you gain some clarity too. I love you.