So I made a deal with the Universe

Years back I wrote one BLOG entry and talked about it nonstop. Every time I told someone about it and they were impressed, I enjoyed seeing that reaction and I don't think I even made it to a 2nd entry, so I'm proud of myself. So what's different now? Well.. the way I'd put it into words is, so far in this life, I've been shown, not really through much effort on my part at first, the activities that help me feel the way I want to feel. Some of you guys n gals reading this might have been watching my content way back when I was mostly acting and managing a rap duo and modeling. Super humble right LOL.. If so you might remember the video I made on Creating a Vision Board, and it had all these layers and worked towards a set of activities that my mind thought were the activities helping me resonate with joy and internal peace and love and all the vibrations my mind thought we wanted to fill up these fresh periods of light with. Those thoughts weren't wrong, there was truth in every single aspect of what was on that Vision Board. but here's the thing, you don't know what you don't know. 

Flash forward from that time, I had fallen off of my habits, not for the first time, not for the last time either, why? Let's take a moment here and zoom out and breathe. If you're reading this calmly you probably felt a pause or a slower pace kick in right there….and here too, because I was simply recalling the events and the mind was racing so I needed to and thankfully remembered to slow down and breathe, but what even caused me to fall off when I've known for so so long how much happier I am with the version I show up as when I'm on em?! Haha.. Because the reason I've fallen off of my feel-good habits from time to time is the root chakra firing because funds have probably been decreasing for a bit, stopped earning as much from passions, probably due to slacking off due to not having any clear cut goals (we’ll come back to that), and not having set up enough streams of income yet to cover living expenses. The icing on top was that instead of widening my base like I’d helped quite a few other people do, which my subconscious knows is the move, and creating some streams of income and continuing to create the firepower that brings freedom of schedule and more…. Yeah instead I came from fear and just smoked more weed and maybe drank more and then at some point went back to the gym and started taking care of myself again and the cycle started over. Because anytime I’m not creatively expressing myself consistently, meaning at least daily, I’m not as full of a version of myself and I don’t resonate with much joy. I need creative expression all the time, and writing provides me with this safe space. Sure, it’s a public BLOG, but to be honest, I'm treating these entries and the BLOG as my journal, and whatever comes out comes out, no filter. Yes I realize that opens me up to criticism, yes I realize these pieces probably won’t be up for any prizes and they may never even receive praise, and that’s totally fine with me. Because all I care about these days is being the most authentic expression of my genuine self, the eternal self, realizing and materializing my Dharma, or highest duty, in this realm.

Whenever I've needed to gain clarity on a life event, journaling has shown me the way. Whenever I've gone off my feel-good habits, journaling has always brought me back. Even more so than podcasting which has also been massively healing for me, but at its core I just need to express my thoughts and not let the fear of being judged get in the way of expressing my self as fully as possible.

A few months back we put down our kitty. Deeply remembering how much we loved each other, the kitty and I, the kitty and my ex, each of us and the kitty.. Her name was Freya and she lived with some of my friends before finding us and enjoying (it looked like) the last maybe 7 or so months I want to say, of her time in that Avatar. We loved her so deeply. She was our daughter.. And me her Protector and my ex was her Mother. Even though I fed her mostly and played with her more, that was her Mother. There's just a different way a kiddo crawls onto their Mother's lap...there's this inner knowing that this kiddo sees that woman as her Mother, her Mom. Or maybe that's the vibration I assigned to their relationship.. and maybe that sent it more resonance to be that way, not sure, not going to get hung up on it. But getting to enjoy moments as our little family made it worth it to go to work all day sometimes, to earn so that my little family could eat better and feel secure in our home and together. I witnessed and felt that and was present for that and I allowed myself to have less frequency in the wellness activities that built me up. I was watching more tv, smoking more weed, spending more time with someone who my mind always knew wasn't willing to go as far as I am for the life I wanted.. There’s no aversion to this, I believe it’s everyone’s birth right to build exactly the life they desire, but there is some intentional action this mind thinks it takes to get there. Once I returned to taking care of my health, the natural resonances that we each desired came to the forefront and they were definitely not in alignment. So I do feel comforted mentally about my decision to end that relationship, but that's only been working to really help the mind feel better. The heart misses her, misses our kitty, misses those moments I can so easily remember. Us sitting in front of the television, kitty in one of our laps, us petting her, probably watching Rupaul's Drag Race or Degrassi, the sequel show with Aubrey Drake Graham, yooooo forreal though, believable acting for sure, likable for most of his character's journey in the storyline, I totally dug it. But here's the thing, the memory the heart wants to default to when remembering those times, was fleeting and usually not accurate.

We never had the conversations in the beginning to figure out if we wanted the same lifestyles, or more importantly, what we were willing to do to have that lifestyle. Specifically, what fears do we each have regarding building an organic life from scratch, what would we each be willing to do to have that life sooner rather than later, and so on. Thankfully my family offered me the additional strength I needed to get out of that situation. Once I got back to my wellness activities and the mind and body began to declutter everything that didn’t serve us, I became unwilling to ignore all of the ways we were out of alignment. Once I began to get that clarity, it became clear that either I needed to leave or I would wake up much later in life being extremely disappointed with my life. And I refused and refuse to do that for as many lifetimes I’m conscious.

So I made a deal with the Universe; from that moment on, I only do what I enjoy to the max, that feels in line with my Dharma and serves my expression to the max, with the people I truly want to spend these irreplaceable moments with. All of those conditions must be present for me to engage. I might really really have tons of love for someone, but if we're not doing something that's super in alignment and feels like a genuine expression, I'm not there. And that doesn't just mean work work work, I give myself rest, rejuvenation, and self care time, you already know hahahha

To be honest there’s quite a bit more that I wrote, that I intended to be part of this piece. But now eye see, that is the point of this piece, for you to consider that statement, goal, focal point, intention, and maybe even Dharma…. Maybe I’m meant to just have as much fun as possible, maybe that’s my duty, and maybe that’s enough. We’ll see hah. I got to lead a yoga class “last night” that went beautifully because of the flow/Tao (I take no credit, I believe all resonance exists without us doing anything, we just access and channel them), am leading a stress reduction / relaxation class in a bit “today” and have several more coming up, and that excites me! But let me just end with this for this self and all selves to ponder; let’s zoom out from the inner workings of the emotions we’re resonating with, allow that breath to bring the awareness to outside the Avatar for a moment, perhaps see if you can visualize your face…. When we are looking “back” at these moments we’ve lived in this lifetime, how do we want to feel about them, about how we chose to spend our irreplaceable moments, about what motivated us and with whom we spent our moments. Just for me, I find solace in calculating this formula in the Pineal Region / Mind, then letting the heart have input because the mind is objective. This beautiful mind will get over it if I don’t listen to the recommendations, but what about my heart? Heart and Soul feel so in tune with each other right, so I take my Heart’s feelings as mostly in line with how my Soul wants us to operate together, unless Dharma or Joy or Peace needs to take over, because feeling in alignment with these is more important to my eternal self. At least in this moment, that’s how I’m Rollin. So please think about this, for yourself too if you’re reading this, and consider if you want to make any changes in your life. If not, that’s amazing, and I’m genuinely so so happy for you! But if so, know that you can do it. Will it be hard? Oh God yes! Change isn’t meant to be easy, but lasting change, even just resonating with those feelings that we’ll experience, shows us that it’s worth it, because we’re worth it! I love you.